


Love/Hate

by HerBreakingHeart



Series: Bi Regina Mills Week [3]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Evil Queen | Regina Mills, Bisexual Regina Mills Week, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Love Confessions, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 09:54:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13432239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HerBreakingHeart/pseuds/HerBreakingHeart
Summary: "But this isn't just a disgusting little dalliance, is it? Not another one of your shameful experiments of your youth?"The cutting words made Regina physically wince. Memories of Cora punishing her for desiring women, for making her feel it was another weakness, came crashing back in waves. "Mother…" she whispered, unable to say another word.*Bisexual Regina Mills Weeks: Day 3 - Regina faces homophobia*





	Love/Hate

_I can't do this._

That single thought crowded her head until Regina couldn't fathom anything else. She'd never wanted this and yet somehow it was happening and she was meant to be _grateful._ That's what her mother said anyway.

"You don't know how good you've got it, Regina." she'd say smugly, admiring herself in the mirror at Regina's dress fitting. "Look at you, a queen who has anything she desires. What more could you want?"

_Freedom,_ she'd think dismally but never dare say out loud. Conversations of "freedom" never ended well with her mother. Such words were asking for trouble she didn't wish to experience again. _Never again, please._

She'd had thoughts of just ending it all, when Regina would sit beside the King and plaster a loving smile on her face, when he'd give her that pitying sigh when she wouldn't comply in his chambers. _It'll be so much easier if you just let yourself enjoy it, my darling… **Never.**_ Regina owed too much to herself to give up so easily, to relinquish her remaining scraps of dignity.

It would be simple, really. Her balcony would call out to her at night, an alluring temptation to just _let go._ All Regina would have to do is take one fatal step and it would all be over. Just like that.

She'd been contemplating that new thought in her head for weeks when Mary came. At first, Regina hadn't taken any notice. It was just another maid, another girl added to the list of the many others in the castle that pretended she didn't exist. Like most people in the kingdom, for that matter.

Maybe that's what had made Regina notice. Mary had _seen_ her.

It had been a stressful day, ending with a tiring feast of Regina having to wear her doe eyes and simpering beam until she thought she might just pass out. Her mask was getting harder to hold each day and Regina feared the time she wouldn't be able to keep it up. _Don't think about it._

Retiring to her chambers early at her husband's acceptance, Regina let out a pained sigh, her scrabbling fingers tearing almost viciously at the strings of her dress.

"Would you like me to help you with that, Your Majesty?" Regina turned in surprise to see Mary standing in the doorway, a concerned look on her face. _Concerned?_ Of course she wasn't, Regina reasoned. Just worried that if she didn't help her ruler, she could get in trouble.

"I'm fine, thank you." Regina huffed out quickly, dismissing her.

"Forgive me for saying so, Your Majesty, but you don't look like it." The redheaded maid hadn't looked away from her defiantly, bright blue eyes alight with… with… _what, exactly?_ This was one of the first times Regina hadn't been able to read someone. The revelation shocked her. What was it about some random maid that caused her to slip? Bravely, Mary took a step forward, her long white skirts brushing against the floor. "Let me help, I implore you."

"Implore?" Regina heard herself saying with an exhausted laugh. "Is such a matter so important to you?"

Mary didn't falter. "You're my queen. It's my duty to make sure any grievances of yours shall be swiftly handled." She held her chin up firmly, but there was a softness in her gaze that told Regina that maybe this was much more than she was saying it was.

"Can't argue with that." she finally said after a moment, oddly charmed by the way the redhead hurried over to her. When she began untying the strings, Regina said quietly, "You're the first to care about any of that, anyway."

Mary carefully starting taking off her dress. She suddenly leaned close, whispering in Regina's ear, "They don't give you the respect you deserve." Cold seeped into Regina's veins.

"Excuse me?" Her maid backed away a bit, a warm smile on her face.

"You deserve to be treated like the wonder you _are,_ Your Majesty." She said reverently, and Regina felt the blood rush to her face. She became consciously aware of Mary's hand running down her back as she pulled the dress down to Regina's feet. When the other woman didn't say anything, Mary took off the rest of the dress, bundling it up in her arms. "There. Will that be all, Your Majesty?"

Regina stood in her lacy petticoats, feeling vulnerable and shivery, though she wasn't cold in the slightest. "Um, yes, thank you."

"Glad I could help, Your Majesty." When Mary turned to leave, Regina couldn't help herself.

"Regina." She corrected quietly, uncertainly. The maid's smile grew impossibly and Regina found herself smiling back.

_"Regina."_ Mary amended softly, and the other woman felt a warmth spread through her body as the redhead left the room.

After that, instead of dark thoughts and depressing scenarios flitting through her head, Regina found herself focusing on Mary. They'd exchange secret smiles across the room, Mary would call her Regina when they were alone, they'd sit in her chambers and Regina would read to her. Her nights with Leopold became bearable, for Regina would imagine _Mary_ above her in bed, _Mary_ kissing her until she felt she couldn't breathe, _Mary's_ hands fondling her body. Her heart would sing _Mary, Mary, Mary_ until it was all she seemed to hear.

Cora approved of Regina's sudden uplifted mood though she could never know _why._ "I'm so proud of you, my dear." she'd say, hugging Regina close, "You've _finally_ embraced this blessed life."

_I can do this,_ Regina thought. She could put up a front for the rest of her life if Mary could be by her side for it all.

It wasn't meant to be.

Regina was reading to Mary again, both of them sat by her fireplace. They sat next to each other, _for comfort,_ Regina reminded herself, and Mary's head had ended up on her shoulder at some point. Not that she was going to point that out to the other woman.

The book was a romance, a bit tiresome for Regina's preference, but she adored the way Mary's sky blue eyes seemed to light up at each word with such _wonder_ and _joy. I want her to look at me like that._

And then her maid asked suddenly, "Have you ever been in love, Regina?" She stilled in surprise and Mary obviously felt it for she quickly followed with, "I'm sorry. That was so invasive. Please forget I ever-"

"Once." Regina said, her voice sounding small and pained to her own ears. So much time had passed and yet she felt the wound of her heartbreak as if it were new. "It did not end well."

"I'm sorry." Mary leaned her head back on Regina's shoulder. Her tone held a deep sadness for her and prompted Regina to wrap an arm around the other woman.

"Don't be. It was an unfortunate ending, but a long time ago." She squeezed gently. "How about you? Anyone special?"

"Yes, actually." Mary's reply made Regina's jaw clench. _She'd fallen for someone._ Someone that didn't know how _lucky_ they were to have gained Mary's affections.

"Oh?" She forced herself to sound only _vaguely_ interested. "Who's the lucky person?"

"Someone who deserves all the love in the world." Mary said solemnly, and Regina's heart ached. "But I fear if I approached them with all the love I had to give, they'd get scared and run away from me."

"They'd be a fool to run away from you." Regina bit out, wincing internally at her _clearly_ bothered tone. _Get yourself together!_ She cleared her throat, "To run away from love is a cowardly move."

Mary chuckled and Regina felt it through her whole body at their proximity. "Do you think I should tell them that?"

Her heart was in her throat. She'd never felt so _torn._ "Well, I think that-"

"To run away from love is a cowardly move, Regina." Mary said, her voice slightly mocking Regina's from earlier. The other woman felt her whole world turn upside down. _It can't be…_ When she didn't say anything, Mary looked up at her, her lips parted in worry. "I, um… wow, I can't believe I just did that."

She moved to get up, a bitter laugh escaping her before Regina gently grabbed her wrist, pulling her back down. She landed flush against the other woman's chest and Mary gazed at her with wide, hopeful eyes. Regina smiled, "You're right, Mary. I tend to run away from things I care about because I care. Just… please don't give up on me." she whispered before daring to lean close and press her mouth hesitantly against Mary's.

It was mere moments after their lips met that disaster hit. Regina's mind was flooding with happiness and an euphoric bliss to suddenly be darkened by one word.

_"Regina."_ An aghast voice hissed from in front of them. Both women sprang apart in alarm to come face to face with Cora, glaring at the two in shocked horror.

"Mother, I-" Regina gasped, but her mother cut her off instantly.

"How- how _could_ you?!" Cora yelled, "How could you throw away everything I gave you for this… for this…" she narrowed her eyes at Mary in disgust, and Regina's maid looked down at the floor in shame, "This _woman?"_

"Please," Mary begged, her voice shaking. Regina could hear the tears in her voice and ached to hold her, "Please don't take this out on Regina, it was all my fault, I swear-"

"You dare call your _queen_ by name, wench?" Cora spat, then realisation dawned on her face. She scowled at her daughter, "But this isn't just a disgusting little dalliance, is it? Not another one of your shameful experiments of your youth?"

The cutting words made Regina physically wince. Memories of Cora punishing her for desiring women, for making her feel it was another weakness, came crashing back in waves. "Mother…" she whispered, unable to say another word.

The older woman shook her head, eyes on fire, "You've disappointed me, Regina. How you could bare yourself and all your flaws in the name of something as childish as _love_ is beyond me. I would've thought you would've learnt after the stable boy incident."

_The stable boy incident._ Spoken as if it hadn't crushed her into a thousand pieces and left scars that still stung as if it were yesterday. Her mother's careless tone deadened any kind of resolve Regina might've had left. She was truly broken.

Not even Mary's voice could brighten her, "Queen Mother, I beg of you. If anyone deserves punishment, it's _me."_

Cora turned to her, a deadly smile on her face, "Finally something I can agree with here." _That_ snapped Regina into action.

_"Don't touch her!"_ she commanded, her love for Mary overriding her common sense; letting her forget for a moment just _who_ she was talking to.

Cora laughed, "And that's precisely why I need to. You see, Regina darling," she suddenly leaned forward and yanked hard on Mary's red hair, eliciting a small cry, "I know what's best. And the sooner I take care of this _problem,_ the better."

And with that, Cora waved her free hand and Regina watched in alarm as Mary and her mother faded from view. Regina sat in stunned silence, her mind working over everything that had just happened before the anger and regret came rushing out of her as she screamed to the empty room.

_I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this I can't do thisIcan'tdothisIcan'tdothis_

Hours later, another servant came to her room to find Regina crumpled on the floor, dried tears on her face. The girl avoided her damp eyes, "I've been sent to dress you for the feast, Your Majesty."

Regina let her without a word, too tired to fight against her and demand to know what had happened to her other servant, to _her Mary._ She dreaded to think.

When she was ready, the servant girl lead her to the throne room and Regina walked rigidly to her place at the King's side. Her eyes flicked around the room, looking for a sign of fiery hair but to no avail. _Mary, what has she done to you?_

And then she saw. Across the room, Cora stood half in the shadows speaking to a figure that was hard to make out. Until Cora yanked the person and they were pulled into the light. Regina couldn't help the audible gasp that left her throat. It was Mary, but Regina could barely tell. Her long, red hair had been roughly shorn nearly to the scalp and her lovely face was ruined with ugly red scars, fresh and painful. Their eyes met for the briefest of moments before Mary quickly looked away, her gaze full of fear and agony.

Cora patted her arm, before making her way over to Regina, a sick grin on her face. She leaned close to her daughter, dropping her voice to a playful hiss, "I thought this new look would hopefully put you off wanting such shameful, unnatural things, my dear. From your expression, it seems I was correct."

_"I hate you."_ Regina seethed, her eyes not breaking away from Mary who limped around the throne room with a tray of drinks, keeping her beautiful blue eyes on the floor.

"Better hating me than loving _that."_ Cora spat. "If I hear you've been anywhere near her, she'll get a lot more than a fresh haircut and a few marks. Do you understand, Regina darling?"

She couldn't speak, torn between wanting to rip out her mother's throat or go over to Mary and embrace her for all of eternity. Deep down, she knew neither was possible now.

"Regina?" Cora prompted, a smile in her voice.

With a sigh, Regina swallowed down her vengeance and her heartbreak, solemnly saying, "I understand, Mother."

**Author's Note:**

> This is really depressing but I knew I could never make something about homophobia somehow happy so I guess this'll have to do :/ 
> 
> I'm fully aware I've gone and done this _really_ late but I still want to finish the challenge regardless of date :)


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